2007 April

…For a Jaimini-on-the-other-hand, I woke up on the morning of April 1st thinking about Judy, and feeling such gratitude for her — you know, Judy, you chopped my angry arguments/stories up so nicely on amt back in 2002 that they really died then and there — with your help I saw they had no real basis in rationality, and so I quit trying to support/feed them, and simply paid attention to the pain behind the stories, and watched them dissolve into such love….

Anyhow, as I said, I was thinking about you, and seeing you as a
kind of Jedi-Judy, weilding such a perfect, laser-sharp light-sword
of discrimination and chopping everyone’s head off, or rather simply
holding the sword out and watching them run right into it :-) and
then I realized you were (for me) such a perfect incarnation of
Durga, that I spent about two hours that morning “worshipping” you as Durga, and then was wondering whether to come on FFL to tell you that or not, and worried that if I did it on the 1st people would think it was some kind of April Fool’s gag, and then on reading FFL
I noticed Doug Hamilton said there had been a Durga puja at his house that very morning at that same time, and I just loved the synchronicity of it all and was rendered temporarily speechless…
but anyway, Judy, I *have* read all of your posts and I for one adore your balance, your brilliance, your precision, and your intense *compassion* and wanted to let you know FFWIW you are not entirely alone or misunderstood here.

Love * Light * Laughter


Yes, it is all for real, Judy; thank You! You do my heart such good.
I think it was as mleroygoffiv, though I am not certain. I remember
I launched in with one of my patented rails against the TMO and
gradual-enlightenment seekerdom and promptly lost my head on your sword … Barry defended my POV, and Barry and I agreed with each other so completely you were wondering (you said) if I was a shill or alter-ego of Barry’s — if he had known me previously offline and brought me in to amt! But no; it was all just one of Nature’s little jokes or dances, I guess.

Anyway, thank you too, Barry, for your kind words and support at
that time, but IMO Judy was clearer than either of us was. It was
(in retrospect) a great joy to yield my demoniac head to her.
Anyway, after getting my ego-anger utterly shredded, I felt so good and full that I simply lost the urge to argue and prove myself “right.” I am pretty sure it was in the spring of 2002, as it was just before my 10th wedding anniversary, though memory can certainly play tricks on me. Anyhow, over the years I have come to appreciate you there and here more and more, Judy, and have been meaning to thank you for all you’ve done for all of us.

And thank you too, Rick, for cutting the number of posts to 5 to
give us some silence to breathe and space to think-feel; I think it
was in large part this “surgery” that allows me to express my



*lol* Limit us each to 5 posts per Satsang and I’m there!



…I make them [mistakes] constantly. (Who doesn’t?)

Maybe it wasn’t AMT. Was there another TM-group that Bob Brigante (he was there too) and Judy and Barry were on, early in 2002? Or maybe my time-sense has dilated and it was very late in 2001. Don’t know; don’t really care. I do know the sign-in wan’t as Rory Goff, but it wasn’t Samuel. I have never signed with “Love & Light,” but always (if at all) with “Love, Light, and Laughter” — my version of Sat, Chit, Ananda, or Sattva, Rajas, and Tamas, or Vishnu, Brahma, and Shiva, the poles (Love & Laughter) and center (Light) of the hiranyagarbha-field.

As far as MMY goes, I am (finally) comfortable with his (and
my) “making mistakes” *and* being perfectly infallible simultaneously, like all of Creation, like all of us. *Unlike* all of us, as far as consciousness goes, he is still far and away the most impressive person on the planet I’ve ever met. Listening to him, being “with him” on the Invincible America course last year was more of a heart-breaking mind-blower than ever, while simultaneously completely simple, nothing other than myself.

I may have to update that old bio sometime…it’s seriously out of
date re my love and appreciation of MMY, and of the Dome, and of the TMO.



I do apologize, Barry, for conflating you with Joe Kellett on TM-
news — the two of you played virtually the same role in my
discussions with Judy there in 2002, and here on FFL last year,
which both contributed much to clarifying and deepening my
understanding and appreciation of the perfection of seeming-
imperfection. Many thanks; it’s been a pleasure to know you.

Of course, an appreciation of Judy’s rare brilliance does not imply
(as new.morning points out) that we are always in full agreement,
nor that we do not also deeply appreciate the aromatic essences, the fine cuisine of multisensory Being offered up by Curtis, Vaj, and Barry, Tom, Rick, and Harry, Off-World, Geezer Freak, new.morning, Kirk, You, and everyone else who wanders in to contribute to the pot-luck smorgasbord in this marvelous bar (for some), bardo (for others) or body (for me). That was the rub —  you are all the Great Choir of my body-mind; I’ve always felt the need to read all of your posts insofar as I have been able, so I am pleased with the 5-post limit. I hold you in me at all times, I think of you all constantly — more intently at some times than others of course :-) — but I enjoy each of our mind-chatter energy-signatures, mine own included, most deeply in homeopathic doses! Much is spoken and heard in silence.

Oh, and Sal, yes! Body, Soul, and Spirit; Involution, Revolution,
Evolution; Lakshmi, Sarasvati, and Durga; or if you prefer, Moe,
Larry, Curly. I am Shemp, Thou Art Shemp, All this is Shemp; Shemp
alone Is…?


Just for a slightly different take on this, I’d have to say that
despite all that TM did for me I never much felt I owed MMY
anything, perhaps because I had never been much into bhakti. For
that matter, I never felt that MMY had ever expected any devotion
from me either, but perhaps that’s because I finished only phase I
of TTC.

However, during my return to the Dome last summer, I noticed
repeatedly that MMY and I were utterly identical, and *on the basis of this identity* I felt overwhelming waves of surrender and devotion for Him, as I did for Guru Dev and for my own simple/expanded “creator” self while experiencing reality as its devic/particular “creature” contraction.

This dynamic surpised me; I wasn’t expecting it — rather having
been taught only that it is love/appreciation/devotion which brings
one into unity. At least in my case, however, it appears that my
heart fully breaks open and surrenders only to itself, truly knowing
complete creature/creator devotion only *upon the basis* of unity.


…and this unity, in turn, manifested itself only upon the
surrender of all judgement, those subtle layers of “should” wherein
I was judging MMY (and by extension, the Creator of what IS, and my own self). Upon letting go of these oh-so-attractive stories, I found that they had in fact only been translucencies covering the clear light of my own mirror-self — *This* was, in fact, “my own business.”

So for me anyhow, it would appear that discrimination and ceasing to believe my righteous mind-stories led to a unity *upon which* devotion could blossom. As some of us might say, “Go figure!”

Now it’s time to shut my pie-hole.


How do you mean, *when* we die and hit the Bardo? How is… [that] different from where we are now?

…Most of the confusion about this state appears to come from souls who don’t know we’re already dead. Anyone reading this, please consider: This is It, this is Bardo; we’re already dead, and well on our way back to our true self (or non-self, if we prefer) — the clear light of perfection. All we have to do is recall the nature of this place:

…All [attachment-illusions or aversion-illusions] are but aspects of the play of our self (or non-self if we prefer). “We have met the Junk-Yard Dog and it is US”…! Just our own dream!

…I’m finding the clear light of self (or not-self, if we prefer)
pre-exists behind the translucencies of the intellect — the
intellect being that part of me which says, “This is Me, that is Not-
Me,” usually with a nice self-righteous story about how Me is so
much better (but occasionally worse, just for kicks) than Not-Me.

Naturally turning the intellect back upon itself, reversing the
usual flow of manifestation, discriminating upon the finer and finer
layers of this subtle discrimination, paying easy, unconditional
attention to this process — the mechanics many of us first learned
automatically in TM, in other words — refines the intellect, brings
it from translucency to transparency, brings us back to Being,
Unconditional Love, the clear light of What IS.

Now that I have reminded myself of myself yet again, do I really
need to hit “Send”? Probably not. But I find that hitting “Send”
appears to enliven many parts of my body-mind I don’t otherwise
consciously reach, so here goes Nothing!


(Image here of the lab-chimp hitting the button to get a banana)


…this reminds me of my first flowering of what I’ve been calling “Brahman,” which *does* involve a breaking of the Heart as we come to hold everything, Absolute and Relative, silence and activity, inner and outer, Me and Not-Me, in perfect identity and identical paradoxical perfection Now, THAT alone IS, the simple self. And indeed, all the Archetypes, all things, are then available for communion and identity and savoring and darshan. (Also, come to think of it, there had been a *kind* of devotion or love in the deep appreciation of and mergence with the Golden “Solar Angel” or Higher Self prior to the Dark Night.) And at times thereafter, there would be real heart-wrenching devotion and surrender as one or another aspects of God/Goddess would present Him/Herself, and merge into this body.

What I was attempting to describe above, though, was a bit
different, if I understand you correctly, and hinged upon my later
and clearer comprehension of the simple self’s constant collapse
into and incarnation as point-selves, as devic beings incarnate in
space-time (my body-mind, all that is), which instantly experience
all the effects of what the simple self thinks and feels. The
slightest ordinary thought of the simple-self, of Purusha, is
experienced by these point-selves as overwhelming divine Will, and
is manifested instantly into their/our sensorium as a space-time
reality. Fully appreciating the utter identity of THESE aspects of
self, was what allowed a far more intense and complete surrender and devotion of self to self, self to and as Guru/devotee simultaneously, self to and as Creator/creature simultaneously. THIS is what fully broke my Heart!

As I read this over, I can see I am still failing to elucidate the
distinction particularly well. Oh, well. Perhaps the distinction
lies only in my mind, no matter! :-)


Yes — all resulting from my realigning with Him [MMY], as a result of finally having released all the subtle resistances, all the “shoulds” and “oughts” I had been holding against Him, and the
Dome, and the TMO, etc. Wow! What an unexpected payoff! I had no idea.


*lol* No, it was far before I met any rumormongers [against MMY]; most of it stemmed from the cognitive dissonance I experienced along the way in the Movement, and which came to a head on the Science and Veda Course, in Delhi back around ’81, during the Dark Night of the Soul. Even after Awakening in ’82, a great deal of rage and a great many subtle mind-scripts remained! :-)


…I have often thought of the inside-out full-paradox Awakening as Spiritual (or Subjective) Copernicanism!

And understanding the guna-mechanics of the Hiranyagarbha-field are equivalent to Spiritual (or Subjective) Relativity: Energy (Shiva-bliss, spirit, diffusion) = Mass (Vishnu-love, matter, gravity,
coalescence) X Light-speed (Brahma-light, soul, rotation) squared (aware of itself): All most easily comprehended as a torus, with Shiva/Energy at the outflow-pole, Vishnu/Matter at the inflow-pole, and Brahma/Soul at the double-cone center-point.


Fairfield is a great place for walking around and drinking in the general beauty, both in town and out in the country. In town, one of our favorite strolls is simply around the Square and its environs, as people have been doing here for 170 years anyway of recorded history. (I wouldn’t be surprised if the Sacs, Foxes, and Ioways weren’t doing something similar here for millenia earlier. They still lived within 8 miles of town in the early 1840s, when every day one would see at least a few Indians around the square. Ancient burial mounds lie just east of town and just south of town.)

Of course, First Friday is a whole other phenomenon around the
Square. Throngs of happy revelers, good music, good art, good food everywhere … but either way, I imagine the feeling is much like the old Spanish processions around the plaza towards the end of the day. Lots of love in the air — not just romance (though plenty of that too, for those so inclined), but deep love, the kind that comes from seeing friends we’ve known for 20 or 30 years, and seeing the young faces we remember in their kids… This place is the closest thing I have ever known to a genuine home town, and I love it for
that. The other day in Everybody’s Market, I was awe-struck by a three-year old, who looked *exactly like* the little daughter of a woman we lived with in Seattle in the ’80s. They left as I was cashing out. “Man! That little girl looks just like T.,” I said, almost to myself, to which the cashier replied, “Oh, T.? That was her going out, with her little daughter! They live here now!” So now we smile at each other everywhere…Ahh, Fairfield! I think I’ve mentioned how closely it fits the traditional description of heaven
for many of us — just think of someone from one of your past lives, and before you know it, they’re standing right in front of you. As I’ve said on FFL, we’re really all already dead — in fact, were more dead when we were “alive” and sleepwalking through life — and now that we are truly dead, and have let it go, Life shines as beautifully as we can bear it; everything we imagine we want is ours almost before we’ve had the thought. And what is truly beautiful, I am not alone in this — many, many here share this same Fairfield.

Outside of town, since I lived here in the ’80s, a lot of new trails
have gone in, one of our favorites leading from Chautauqua Park up
northeasterly through some deeply Powerful pines all the way to
Waterworks Park, where we can now swim at a gorgeous little beach. And since this winter, another new walking trail now leads along the creek at the bottom of Chautauqua Park and around to the south (still following the creek) through woods and red-winged-blackbird-owned marshes to end up in Lawson’s Woods at the Golf Course. We always meet a fair number of others coming the other way, quietly enjoying these walks evidently as much as we do. It’s a great place to be.



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